I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
