sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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