i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
