capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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