I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
