ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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