Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
