I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
