I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
