I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I lost the right to judge tonight
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
