If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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