and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
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Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
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Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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