As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
