So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
