So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
