if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
