and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
