I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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