need another drink. this is the easiest way
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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