I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
