the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
