this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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