so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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