Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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