sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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