The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
