I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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