my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
smell my finger.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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