i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
