I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
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can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
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Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.