I can tuck mytits in my pants
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back