I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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