she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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