Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
