Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
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I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
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I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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