If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
