The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
