I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
