I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
