Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
