Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
