he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
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Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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