you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
