If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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