yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
