Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
