Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
