John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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