I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
