dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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