remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
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Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
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Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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