My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
