if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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