I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
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I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
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Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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