my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
