I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
