Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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