So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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