I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
