woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
